diagnosis

I am waiting all morning and completely useless at work. I think that I complete a psych eval of a teenager. I'm not sure. I don't remember anything except that the surgeon calls. He tells me that they found cancer cells in the biopsy.

I have cancer.

This is whoosh. The sound leaves the room. This is stopping. He keeps talking to me on the phone. I take notes and lose them immediately. I have no idea what he said except for "cancer".

I call people, but first I cry hard. I call mom. I leave a message for Ken. I tell one person who starts talking about a double mastectomy and I want to hit her and puke at the same time. I know she's trying to be helpful, but I can't process anything.

I ask my friend and coworker to cancel my clients for the day. I can't do therapy with my brain screaming. I cry when I tell her. I tell the other therapist. I tell my boss and he says "I thought so" and I wonder what on earth he means. I tell the receptionists. I didn't want to, but it was somehow easier to tell than to keep it to myself.

I go home and sleep for hours and hours. Somewhere in there, the surgeon's office calls and schedules a million appointments with me.