meeting the surgeon

This is going to be hard. I am at the surgeon's office with Ken. Everyone here is so focused on me and that scares me. I don't like being the center of attention, not by everyone at once.

My weight has gone up, but my clothes fit looser. How's that?

Ken's doing a good job of talking to me and distracting me from my anxiety. It's a little embarrassing answering questions over and over in front of this man who I've known for years, but am now dating. I ask him to turn around when I put on the hospital gown.

I like this doc. Dr. L. is personable and 7 foot tall. He doesn't wear a tie. He tells me about his daughter who is around my age and teaches reading to underprivileged children. He asks me about my needle point mandala.

Dr. L. examines me and introduces me to two of his interns, who also examine me. He asks if we could do the biopsy now. I agree. I don't want to have to come back. There is a part of me that feels like I betrayed all the people who wanted to be there for the biopsy, but, that's too bad now.

Ken waits in the waiting room. I walk to the operating room and the ultrasound tech puts Lumpy up on her screen. I see this ugly black hole and my breast feels so tender. I meet the pathologist and his resident; we're talking about humidity and curly hair. After a few minutes, they both examine Lumpy.

When Dr. L. starts, he tells me everything that's happening as it happens. He has a calm voice and it seems like he's narrating a somewhat boring book as he pricks me with lidocaine to numb my skin before the biopsy.
I can see the gigantic core biopsy needle in my peripheral vision. He holds it with two hands and double-checks with the nurse on how it works.

I can feel his fingers on my breast and the pressure is uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure that much pressure would hurt without Lumpy, too. I try to just breathe and not move, but it is difficult not to jump as the needle pushes into me. Somehow, everyone is talking about getting teeth pulled, which is also weird and awful conversation. I know they are trying to distract me, but maybe that's too raw. The needle makes uncomfortable crunching, clicking sounds. I wonder how much stress could be eliminated if we could block scary sounds from medical procedures. I hate this sound and the sound of dental drills.


Touch Count: 10
Needle Count: 2
The procedure doesn't exactly hurt, but it feels a little bit like a dentist suctioning my mouth, but more so. Maybe I think that because of the conversation. Finally, they finish. The nurse cleans the blood off my breast and bandages it.

Ken gives me a high five and I'm so grateful that he didn't hug me.