poetry break

I like this.

how to climb a mountain
-- Maya Stein

Make no mistake. This will be an exercise in staying vertical.
Yes, there will be a view, later, a wide swath of open sky,
but in the meantime: tree and stone. If you're lucky, a hawk will
coast overhead, scanning the forest floor. If you're lucky,
a set of wildflowers will keep you cheerful. Mostly, though,
a steady sweat, your heart fluttering indelicately, a solid ache
perforating your calves. This is called work, what you
will come to know, eventually and simply, as movement,
as all the evidence you need to make your way.
Forget where you were. That story is no longer true.
Level your gaze to the trail you're on,
and even the dark won't stop you.

feeling pretty lucky

I feel pretty good today. I had a fantastic, relaxing weekend of watching movies and eating hamburgers. I also had some beer yesterday to help raise money for Street Tails Animal Rescue (STAR). I won a Phillies cap in the raffle, too. I'm pretty lucky. I've won something at the last few STAR fundraisers.

This morning, I picked up a prescription for Percoset from my surgeon. Hooray!!! I am out of Percoset and would probably be having difficulty sitting right now if I hadn't taken my last one earlier. The chemo makes my bones hurt, mostly from mid-back down. It makes it hard to find comfortable ways to arrange my body. When I was getting the prescription, I talked with my doctor's extremely amazing assistant. She said that he could drain my cyst on Wednesday at his office. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about my knee getting better that soon.

Also, I added a page to the blog that contains a section of my thesis on optimism and physical health.

still tired

I am exhausted and achy all over. I'm having more trouble than usual eating, but I'm craving steak.  That's a good sign, no?

I haven't heard from the doc about an appointment for my cyst yet, but they said they'd call when it was scheduled.

My surgeon didn't leave a prescription for more painkillers available today, so I have to get it on Monday. I'm pretty sure I have enough for the weekend.

My boss asked me to consider working part time. I felt bad when he said it, because it means that Lumpy (and treatment for Lumpy) is getting in the way of work, too. It's getting in the way of so many things. I don't know. I am pretty tired, but I feel like I might get depressed without working, since it helps me to get out of bed those days. I know I'm not being a great therapist now, though.

I'd type more, but I'm having trouble feeling some of my fingertips, likely a chemo side effect. I guess this is the best that I can do right now.

Chemo #4

I had chemo yesterday. I am really dozy, so I will keep it short. I am 2/3s done. Yay! My doc said that she will set up an appointment to get Lumpy II (the bakers cyst) drained. Yay! My leg is pretty swollen. My healthy ankle is 8" around and my not so healthy one is 15" around because the blod vessels are cut off from the cyst. I am using a cane. I had lovely amazing Greek easter with my folks on sunday. My cousins gave me an iPad. They are awesome. Also, I went to chiropractor and acupuncture on Monday. I think it helped. My acupuncturist suggested that I eliminate gluten since it can increase inflammation. There was more, but I cant remember it articulately. Today I am mostly half awake.

Needle count: 27
Touch count: 16

cancer blues

I've been feeling pretty down lately. It's a combination of things. I have trouble sleeping and wake up about 4 or 5 times a night because my leg hurts. I haven't gotten my appetite back all the way since I had food poisoning, but I do try to eat. It hurts to walk and to stand. My nose is always running (yay, herceptin!). Also, I've had my period for about 6 weeks now. I have also been dealing with really stressful crazy people, and not even at work. I'm not going to get into that, but it was way too much to handle.

Yesterday, I read that 80% of children with adrenal cancer have Li Fraumeni Syndrome, which made me more upset. I had adrenal cancer as a baby and folks with LFS tend to develop cancers at a higher rate than other folks. I don't want to have to do this again. I can't think about it now. Besides, the docs are already doing genetic testing on me, though I doubt they'll find either BRCA1 or BRCA2.

I took today off from work. I wanted to do stuff with the day, but mostly I've been lounging with my knee up on pain killers. The swelling is down enough that my super comfy tall socks can fit up to my left knee, though they can go over my right knee. I walked to a coffee shop less than 2 blocks away and had to stop to rest before I got there. I hate feeling so weak and so delicate.

Oh, and I did my taxes. $0 to me. $0 to the government. Easy peasy.

food poisoning

I spent last weekend horribly sick to my stomach. It was awful. I called the oncologist Monday and came to office Tuesday. The nurses were concerned; I lost 5lbs in the previous week. They gave 2 bags of IV fluids and some antinausea medications. My doctor said that she thought that I just had food poisoning. Ugh!

Somehow, sitting in the office irritated the cyst in my knee (Lumpy II) and I've been having trouble walking since then.

The new painkillers I have tend to make my brain woozy, but don't do a whole lot for my perception of pain.

Today, I'm feeling pretty good. My digestive system seems relatively happy, finally.

I just noticed that my needle count is at 25. Wow! I think we should start placing bets on the final (as in after the last radiation appointment) needle count.

needle count: 25
touch count: 15