ms crankypants

I am grumpy today. I couldn't sleep last night because I was in pain. My back, hips, and legs hurt so much that whenever I moved, I woke up. I think the pain is from neupogen, a drug that stimulates white blood cell production in my bones. According to my last bill, insurance pays $4,200 for this injection. For that much money, you'd think someone might have figured out a way for the drug to not cause pain. But I digress

I took percoset and ibuprofen before bed, then took them again a few hours later, and again a few hours after that. I propped myself up with blankets and pillows. I moved from the sofa bed, to my comfy bed, back to the sofa bed. I also used a heating pad and ice packs. Nothing seemed to work for long. My left calf hurts to the touch; even pillows or the mattress underneath it hurts.

At some point in the night, I stopped trying to sleep. Later, I stopped trying to be comfortable and started trying to feel okay with how my body was feeling. I noticed that when my body is most uncomfortable, my thoughts become uncomfortable and I think about things that I cannot do anything about, particularly in the dead spots of the night. I worry about my job, paying bills, cancer treatment, and that the pain is indicative of Something Wrong. I worry about my friends and family. I worry that bugs are coming into my apartment from the window that won't close all the way. I worry about not being able to have kids. I worry about the kids and families who come to me for therapy. I worry that I forgot something terribly important to do. Worrying isn't helpful, so I put on a Simpsons dvd and tried to stay awake through a whole episode at a time. It got lighter out and I had seen most of each episode on the dvd. I was too tired to get up to change the dvd and I was too tired to think. I sat without thoughts or moving until my second alarm went off.

I had trouble getting myself moving, both literally and figuratively. I couldn't walk very well and I wasn't very motivated to get ready for work. I also seemed to struggle with my basic morning routine. I had to sit down to dry myself after my shower because I didn't have the energy to stand. I made myself a smoothie in a cup that afterward seemed to have soap in it. I couldn't find my umbrella or a subway token. I kept dropping things that I had to leave on the floor because my body was not ok with bending down.  I took a percoset and ibuprofen before taking the bus to work.

I feel a little overwhelmed with the pain right now. I am also a little anxious about the upcoming doctors' appointments this week. Tomorrow, I have an MRI on my breasts to determine the size, shape, and location of Lumpy, post-chemo. Thursday, I meet with my orthopedic doctor regarding Lumpy II. I hope that I remember to be grateful for my health when it is fully restored. I hope I remember to enjoy weeks where I do not have any doctors' appointments. It feels like it's been forever since I've had a week that did not involve talking to a medical professional.