Rough week over

I have had a rough week. I had trouble moving my left leg, starting on Sunday. I missed my appointments on Monday because I couldn't bear the pain of the stair-chair. The rest of the week, I slowly regained some mobility. Both Dr. Rubin and Dr. Komarnicky have said that my leg seems to be doing better, even though it hurts more. Dr. K. even ran tests to see whether the scope of the radiation can change or if there was anything "deeper" going on, but the test results showed that radiation can continue just as it had (for just 6 more sessions too!).

Despite these observations from my doctors, I have barely left my sofa bed, aside from going to medical appointments. My leg has a new "soft spot" that bleeds on contact-- completely gross. I have trouble moving from my bed to the wheelchair and I have been using a commode (or a large pot, when it is very urgent) when I need to use the toilet. The nurses suggested that I take morphine every 4 hours for pain instead of waiting to be in pain before I take it, as removing my bandages can be terribly painful. When I tried that, Ken and several friends suggested that I was so non-functional that I needed to reconsider that plan.

I wonder if I sprained my knee with all of the movement up and downstairs and into and out of cars. None of the doctors have examined me that way. I have sprained my knees before and it seems similar: sore, swollen, responds well to ice, elevation, more painful in movement than when it is still. It makes sense in that it started to hurt days after so much exertion and nothing else changed. To some extent, the bandages on my leg prevent my leg from moving very much, at least in the straightening/ bending range of motion. I will have to ask my doctors.

Anyway, Saturday I was cheered up by getting mail and having a visit from my parents, Thea Mary and Thea Sophie (my great aunts). The visit was so great- I had fun seeing everyone and by being encouraged, in person. It can be so challenging to maintain a positive attitude when it feels like things are worse. Somehow listening to funny stories while eating delivery with my relatives makes everything more acceptable. I don't mean that I want this situation to continue, but more that I can handle what is happening enough that it doesn't get me as down as it did a few days ago. My sister is coming tomorrow and said that she would stay as long as she could. I am so excited, even if it is just for a few days. It is so hard for me to function when I cannot move one leg and am either in constant pain or dozy from drugs. (Try it some time, for a challenge.)

Also, Ken decorated my Christmas tree with a garland from the paper bracelets that the hospital used to identify him as a visitor. Somehow, seeing them linked together across my tree feels good. It is a pretty long chain and it reminds me that he was always there.

For some reason, today the mail held many beautiful, encouraging, compassionate letters as well as thoughtful gifts. I read and re-read cards and letters. I appreciate the time it takes a person to go out of his or her way to get a card and send it. I think it can be so challenging to put thoughts and feelings into words. I wish I had the energy to individually thank everyone right now. I am getting through my thank you cards, it's a long task.

I hope these supports signal the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't like that metaphor because my high school English teacher, Mrs. Valentine, would add "could be the headlights of an incoming semi." Maybe a better metaphor is the rainbows and lovely sunsets following a storm? Some of my friends who have had children describe a moment in labor when she is more aware that the baby is coming and is able to continue with new effort. Maybe it's like that? I don't know, I just feel more hope that I will be able to walk a little, use my bathroom, move less painfully in the very near future.