Surgery

Surgery was yesterday. Ken brought me to the hospital around 8am to check in. My parents met us in the pre- procedure room. After answering the same questions a dozen times and changing into a hospital gown, the transportation crew took me to Nuclear Medicine.

The doctor there explained that he was going to inject my breast 4 times with a radioactive material and photograph it using a gamma ray machine (which looked remarkably like the bone scan machine from Wednesday). I felt anxious about the needles and tried deep breathing and imaging myself in lovely environments to relax myself, but the injections HURT. The initial injection felt like an intense insect bite, but the saline-radioactive material stung and burned. I could not help crying. After the injections, the platform I was on slid into the machine; the camera part moved to just above my face. I laid like that for 45 minutes of imagery. My family came in totallwith me.

From there,I was wheeled to the pre/post -operation area. I told a bunch of doctors and nurses my name, birthdate, and therocedures that I was having. The anesthesia people came in to set up an IV. The resident blew a vein on his first try (2 needles) and the doctor took over. He grid several times on my right foot. I yelped. My surgeon came over to reassure me. The resident let me squeeze his hands to handle the pain of the injections. After a few tries, they wheeled me into surgery. The anesthesiologist gassed me to put the IV.

The next thing I knew, I was back in the pre/post operation area. My leg was throbbing so badly that I couldn't lay still. The anesthesiologist injected something into my IV and I fell back to sleep for another hour or so. When I woke up again, myleg throbbed so badly I couldn't get comfortable. My friend, the art therapist, visited me for a while.

The nurses sent me back to the procedure admissions to be discharged. My parents and Ken were there. I was in a lot of pain. My breast and underarm were feeling sharp and achy, while my body was not tolerating having my leg pressed against anything. Within the longest hour ever, the nurse brought me 2 percosets. Then she and my mother helped me get dressed.

We left the hospital around 7pm. Mom packed up some clothes and Ken brought my favorite technologies. Then we drove 2 1/2 hours to my parents' house. The ride was painful. Every bump made me yelp and whimper.

I had trouble sleeping because my leg was in too much pain. I woke up every time it touched any surface.

Needle count:57 (44 + 4 (for imaging) + 9 (for the IV)
Touch count: 20

surgery is tomorrow

I'm feeling nervous and stressed about tomorrow's surgery. It seems like I have a ton of things to do beforehand.

I took a week off in my schedule at work, but I'm trying to cancel appointments in the beginning part of the second week, in case I'm not up for seeing people then. No one is answering their phones and it is frustrating.

My parents want me to come home with them so that they'll help me in my recovery. I will have to pack my clothes tonight. It's hard to pack because it's still really hard to walk and move around. I am trying to anticipate the things that I will need for my cousin's wedding (if I'm up for going to it). I'm also needing to pack things to study for my art therapy board certification exam.

I found a friend to take Mr. B. for the week after surgery. She has a spare key and knows where all of his stuff is. I hate to have her grab him when I'm not there, but I'm not sure how else I can make sure that he's taken care of while I'm gone.

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something very important.

Sometimes when I'm working with anxious clients, it helps to list out the worries. Here's a list of my worries:

• I'm worried about not being able to walk or use my arm on my left side. Will I be able to use my cane if my underarm is sore from the surgery? How will I get around (even just to the bathroom)?
• I'm worried about finding out about any spread of the cancer cells into the lymph nodes, even if it's not active.
• I'm worried about how I'm going to look after surgery. What will the scars be like? What will it be like to have scars on my breast and in my underarm? How are they going to feel? What will it be like when I first see my scars?
• How long am I going to be in pain? Actually, this is kind of a silly question as I've been in pain that makes it hard to sleep for months now. I'm just tired of being in pain.

Anyway, I'm trying to keep it together. Last night, I got my nails done (as I wouldn't be able to do it for a while). At the nail salon, they gave me glasses of wine. Then I met my recently laid-off coworker-friend for a drink at the pub.

chiropractor and acupuncture

On Monday, I took a cab to my chiropractor and acupuncturist Renaissance Center for Healing Arts in Center City. I love working with this couple. I start to feel better when I walk into the lobby.

I started with Jim, the chiropractor. He reminded me that bodies like to be healthy and that everything will get better with time. He adjusted my back and neck. As he did so, my lower back started to feel very nicely warm. He said it was because the adjustment had increased the blood flow, which should help. He also showed me some stretches I could try to help my lower back and hips, as they've been sore from my limping.

Then, I saw Jackie, the acupuncturist. She put cups with suction edges against my knee, kind of like giant bowl-shaped leeches, as a way to bring down the inflammation in the knee. She also placed needles in my feet, hands, arms, ears, and scalp. I rested like that for about 10 minutes. I got very cold and shivery.When she came back in, she said that the swelling in my knee had gone down. I felt better.

It took me about an hour to get from there to work because I had to take so many breaks in stopping on the way to and from the subway. I think that the treatments were helpful, though, since I took less painkillers than I usually do.

bone scan

Today, I had a bone scan at Methodist Hospital. My friend Dan drove me the 4 blocks to the hospital. We got there around 9 am and got up the the Nuclear Medicine Department within an hour. The technician brought out a metal canister that held the hypodermic needle in it. She gave me the shot in my right arm, then said that I could return in 3 hours. Another technician helped me into a wheelchair and drove me downstairs and outside to Dan's car.

Dan and I got breakfast at Oregon Diner and chitchatted about non-cancer topics. yay!

We stopped by the Post Office. I got a lovely package from my friend Kaja. It had a fantastic book of letters and a banner in it. Then we headed back to the hospital for the scan itself. Dan grabbed me a wheelchair and brought me up to the floor as we got to the hospital so that I wouldn't have to walk at all.

For the scan, the technicians strapped me to a platform that slid into a ring-shaped structure. It wasn't as enclosed as an MRI. It sat just a few inches in front of my face for a few minutes and then moved slowly down my body. I mostly rested with my eyes closed and imagined relaxing on beaches. The process took about 20 minutes. Then they re-oriented the machine twice and specifically scanned my hips, as bone loss typically shows up there first.

Afterwards, the technician drove my wheelchair out to the bus stop and I headed to work.

Surgery is in 3 more days. I am a little nervous, mostly about the immobility of my leg and the probable immobility of my arm, too. I'm also a little nervous about the biopsies, but there isn't anything to do about that now.




Needle count: 44
Touch count: 18

Surgery is scheduled

Yesterday, I met with my surgeon very briefly. He scheduled my lumpectomy for next Friday. Lumpectomy stills sounds like a made up word.

Today, I saw my oncologist. I got a bag of herceptin which took about an hour. I will be getting this $5000 shot every 3 weeks until February. I also got a shot (in my butt) of lupron, which shuts down my ovaries. Blegh. The doctor added that the raised itchy bumps were probably mosquito and that I might be extra attractive to them and/ or extra allergic to them, courtesy of chemo. Chemo's so full of so many surprises.

Also, in case you were curious, I walk like a little old lady with a cane and support hose. I make friends with the grandmas while waiting for buses. It is possible that the last aspiration will make my knee all better, but it isn't statistically likely. I asked my surgeon for physical therapy, as I can't straighten my knee, but my oncologist thinks that no one would work with me because the cyst is still there. Meanwhile, I hobble and rest every half block and take Percocet to sleep or put my foot up.


Today's appointment took so long that I didn't go to work. I was in the office from 11 am to 4pm.

Needle count: 43
Touch count: 18

back at work

I haven't been working a lot in the last two weeks. I was out 5/31 and 6/1 because of being in the hospital to get my knee drained. I was out 6/4 - 6/7 because of chemo and recovery. Last week, I was out 6/13 - 6/15 because of doctors' appointments related to my stupid knee cyst. Since the beginning of the month, my knee has been drained of nearly 160 cc of fluid - that's approximately: 5 oz, about the size of those little soy sauce bottles on the table in asian restaurants. Yick!

Anyway, I'm back at work and the atmosphere is weird, since we are supposed to find out about layoffs today. Great! Just what I need to make my year extra-splashy-super-exciting!

Lumpy 2 update

I haven't really had Internet access recently. My upstairs neighbor moved out, taking wireless with her. I ordered it, but it looks like my phone lines don't work. I don't know how to solve this. Also, I am on a ton of painkillers. That's probably why I can't figure it out.

Wednesday, I went to the hospital for my knee because it had been so bad Monday and Tuesday that's couldnt sleep. As i stepped into the building, people who were waiting asked the guard for a wheelchair for me. The doctor wouldn't see me because my referral had not been completed. I waited in the lobby, half slumped and half awake. My friend joined me and we headed up (different floor) for an MRI of my breasts. There was no visible cancer. Yay! I still got a shot (for contrast dye) and had a hard time holding still for the pain in my back, hips, bones, and my left leg.

Thursday, I went back to the hospital with a friend to see dr junkin, the orthopedic dr who had aspirated my knee in hospital. He gave me a shot of lidocaine and tried to aspiratemy knee, but nothing came. He sent me for an ultrasound guided aspiration on Friday.

Friday, Ken dropped me off at the hospital and I requested a wheelchair immediately. Iwas transported to the procedures area. I was in a ton of pain. The seat of the wheelchair seemed to press to hardon my body. I couldn't get comfortable. The nurse said that I could take Percocet. I did and started to relax. The doctor aspirated 90 something cc's of fluid, about 3 ounces. Afterward, I took a nap, thanks to the pressure relief and the painkillers.

Today, I can still barely walk. I am about where I was Monday, in terms
of pain and mobility. I am very frustrated and a little nervous about how swollen my foot is. I feel bored and isolated from everyone. I would love some cheer up phone calls or messages.

Needle count: 41
(it was 34, 1 for MRI, 2 for Thursday, and 4 for Friday.)

ms crankypants

I am grumpy today. I couldn't sleep last night because I was in pain. My back, hips, and legs hurt so much that whenever I moved, I woke up. I think the pain is from neupogen, a drug that stimulates white blood cell production in my bones. According to my last bill, insurance pays $4,200 for this injection. For that much money, you'd think someone might have figured out a way for the drug to not cause pain. But I digress

I took percoset and ibuprofen before bed, then took them again a few hours later, and again a few hours after that. I propped myself up with blankets and pillows. I moved from the sofa bed, to my comfy bed, back to the sofa bed. I also used a heating pad and ice packs. Nothing seemed to work for long. My left calf hurts to the touch; even pillows or the mattress underneath it hurts.

At some point in the night, I stopped trying to sleep. Later, I stopped trying to be comfortable and started trying to feel okay with how my body was feeling. I noticed that when my body is most uncomfortable, my thoughts become uncomfortable and I think about things that I cannot do anything about, particularly in the dead spots of the night. I worry about my job, paying bills, cancer treatment, and that the pain is indicative of Something Wrong. I worry about my friends and family. I worry that bugs are coming into my apartment from the window that won't close all the way. I worry about not being able to have kids. I worry about the kids and families who come to me for therapy. I worry that I forgot something terribly important to do. Worrying isn't helpful, so I put on a Simpsons dvd and tried to stay awake through a whole episode at a time. It got lighter out and I had seen most of each episode on the dvd. I was too tired to get up to change the dvd and I was too tired to think. I sat without thoughts or moving until my second alarm went off.

I had trouble getting myself moving, both literally and figuratively. I couldn't walk very well and I wasn't very motivated to get ready for work. I also seemed to struggle with my basic morning routine. I had to sit down to dry myself after my shower because I didn't have the energy to stand. I made myself a smoothie in a cup that afterward seemed to have soap in it. I couldn't find my umbrella or a subway token. I kept dropping things that I had to leave on the floor because my body was not ok with bending down.  I took a percoset and ibuprofen before taking the bus to work.

I feel a little overwhelmed with the pain right now. I am also a little anxious about the upcoming doctors' appointments this week. Tomorrow, I have an MRI on my breasts to determine the size, shape, and location of Lumpy, post-chemo. Thursday, I meet with my orthopedic doctor regarding Lumpy II. I hope that I remember to be grateful for my health when it is fully restored. I hope I remember to enjoy weeks where I do not have any doctors' appointments. It feels like it's been forever since I've had a week that did not involve talking to a medical professional.

Chemo #6 recovery

I am still recovering from Chemo on Monday. I am exhausted, but I have been having trouble sleeping because of my leg hurting. Luckily, my neighbor got a prescription for 100 percosets filled. I used to have to get a new prescription every time I ran out. These should last me for a while.

I am monitoring my temperature. Yesterday, I was low; It ranged from 95.9 to 97.8. That's not bad. Today, it's been edging to 99.9, with a terrible headache. I am going to try drinking more water.

I have been on and off nauseous today, despite the anti-nausea pills. Water tastes bad, like ocean water sitting in a rusty can. I have been trying watered down Gatorade and watered down teas, instead. I was able to leave my place today. I got a chai and bread with butter and jam. I didn't finish the bread or the tea, but I tried.

Chemo #6

Chemo is done. I had #6 today. I am super tired.
Lumpy II is achy. I have to start wearing supports to help with swelling.
Also, yay! Chemo is done!
Next stops:

• Meet with orthopedic doc
• Get an MRI on lumpy
• Get a mammogram
• Based on all that, get surgery scheduled

Also, in about 3 weeks, I am celebrating.
Needle count: 35
Touch count: 18

Lumpy 2: the end

After meeting with vascular surgeons, I met with the orthopedic team, starting around 2 am. The doctors examined my knee several times and decided to aspirated the cyst, instead of doing surgery. In my hospital bed, they gave me a shot of novacaine before sticking in a big needle to pull out the bloody synovial fluid. They pulled out 60 ccs of fluid and bandaged up my knee. There was more fluid in there,but that was the easy part to take out.


I hope it is all better now. I can't wait to go home.

Chemo is Monday.

Needle count: 34
Touch count: 17