Being brave and looking for miracles

I've been tying to approach my illness from a space of curiosity and open minded ness. There is a metaphor of the cancer survivor as a warrior, with teams of friends and family offering support, with doctors and nurses directing the battles and providing the weapons. Sometimes this metaphor feels true for me, like when I am about to start a new treatment or I'm in physical therapy. Both of those situations tend to make me want to be brave especially.

I know that some people think that I am brave and strong simply because I am coping with the cancer diagnoses with as much grace as I can muster. If I am brave, it is because I have "exercised" my bravery muscles all year long.

I find myself interested in the surprising, lucky, and miraculous moments of my days. Maybe these moments are tiny, but they are lovely to contemplate. I am going toput in an effort to start recording these moments, to give myself something to focus on. Yesterday, my friend Jen picked up my mail for me; there were the usual bills, but the get well cards and the "I am thinking about you letters" outnumbered the bills for once. Also, the cards included some necessary funds. Thank you all so much. It helps me financially, but it also reminds me that i am not alone. Yay!

Jen also brought in a big box that was full of supplies for taking care of my wound. It had been sent UPS, but they don't ring my doorbell and I was expecting to have to send someone to go get it. Yay! The visiting nurses had expressed frustration about my missing supplies and brought some to me as well. Now I have more than plenty of bandages, gauze, saline, and tape. You might keep this in mind during a zombie apocalypse, or other disaster.

I know there were more miracle moments. I count every time I safely get downstairs with the stair chair as a miracle. When the radiation technicians comment that things look good and when they notice that I am moving better, I count those as lucky moments too, because it is evidence that I am stronger and getting healthier.

I had a relatively high fever last night and slept terribly in hour long intervals. The fever broke with the help of some Tylenol. I am wishing to get through today smoothly.