Home with my family

I spent Friday resting and settling into my parents' house. The car ride from Philly to North Jersey was rough on me. Getting from the car into the house was even rougher. The pain drugs had worn off. I lacked the strength to feel confident in my movements.

The worst part was getting pulled over the threshold in my wheelchair. I really should have used a walker, but I was too tired (at 4am) to think of it. As we bounced over it, I felt as though my leg had been ripped off. I think the jolt, plus gravity, plus not having the legs attached to the wheelchair (so my leg was just dangling) allowed my leg to straighten a little. It has been stuck at about a 90 degree angle since July and has some scar tissue because of the immobility. It took a while for the pain to subside enough to move further into the house.

I realize that so much of the pain that I was in was because I missed 2 of my long-acting pain meds and several doses of muscle relaxants and nerve pain meds. I am glad to know that I do need my dosages to be functional. The doctors at the hospital explained that the complex process to allow me to take meds from home.

Anyway, I am at my parents' house. My youngest brother, Jimmy, and youngest sister, Athena, still live here. My oldest sister, Kathy, lives a few miles away and visits daily with my 2 year old niece, Victoria. Someone is always around which is great. Because there are so many folks, their "around-ness" does not mean they are available to help me. Jimmy threw a disc out in his back and has been complaining about terrible pain in his leg. I empathize, but I feel weird because he can walk. Dad gets tired from his medications. Kathy has been running back and forth to the hospital to visit Thomas. Mom seems exhausting managing everyone.

I try to be as independent as I can be. Wheeling myself on carpet requires more effort, though. The distance from the chair I have been staying in and the bathroom is probably 4x the distance as in my apartment. I am glad that I am not recovering from chemo though. I think that would be challenging.

It is weird being home. I moved out when I went to college in Oregon. I have lived on my own or with friends for almost half my life. Still, coming home, I fall into those old patterns and roles with my family. I felt frustrated today when I told a story and no one responded. At home, I might always be the middle child who struggles to feel like I get enough attention. Also, I have been in charge of remote control for about an hour and a half in the last 2 days, not counting when it has been placed near me while I slept.