My leaky left leg & other reasons that I am stilling he hospital.

I have been feeling really cranky lately. I am becoming depressed. Actually, I have probably been depressed for a while, but now I am losing energy to fight it.

I am still in the hospital. I think I have been told for a week that I am going home from the hospital "tomorrow or the next day", but it has been 15 days total. Ken has visited most days. My Aunt Karen & Uncle Jack visited in the first week. My friend James spent the afternoon with me. Some of my professors from grad school have visited, too. My youngest sister Athena came to help me at home, but has been visiting me in the hospital. Despite all of these visits, I feel lonely and isolated. People either seem to think everything I do is a heroic effort or that I am not trying hard enough.

I want to be home with my cat. I haven't been in my apartment for more than 3 weeks and I miss it. I thought I was going home Friday, but it turns out I have chemo Saturday. I somehow was not aware of this! I thought chemo was every 3 weeks. I started to cry when my team explained that I might be going home Saturday instead.

Thursday, I started to notice that the area behind my left knee was damp. Over the course of the day, it seemed to leak brown fluid on pillows propping it up. I told nurses when I saw them. When I went to Radiation on Friday, I explained that it seemed leaky. The therapists put a cloth over the prop I rest my leg on. When Radiation was done, there were dark spots all over it.

Athena and Ken visited me until around 9:30pm on Friday. The nurse brought me the usual: more pills, and another shot. I asked him for help using the commode. When I moved my leg, I saw my stains on the pillow, but they were lighter. Then I moved my leg again, and there was just a drip of blood. I started to cry and sat on the bed with my knees bent upward, below the a growing puddle of bloody fluid from behind my knee. My nurse left to get new linens and dressings for the wound. He wrapped my knee up while I sobbed in fear at the amount of bloody fluid everywhere.

He helped me move to the commode, where I peed a whole liter of fluid, a completely ridiculous amount caused by doctors who felt a diuretic would get rid of the swelling in my leg and foot. While on the commode, I removed my bloody pajamas and watched as the nurse change the sheets and sop of fluid off the mattress. He helped me into the drafty hospital gown and back into bed.

Later, the on-call resident was called. While she didn't want to take off the bandages, she explained that radiation sometimes thins the skin so much that it can become leaky. My cousin Stephanie confirmed radiation's effect on the skin with me and also called the doctors at my hospital to learn more.

I have barely slept tonight. I am too hot, then too cold. I am physically uncomfortable and anxious about my leaky left leg. I don't know if I get to go home Saturday. I don't know if this is the sort of emergency that prevents me from leaving. the nurse keeps saying "better out than in" and that that fluid needed to get out of my leg. I hope he is right.

I was feeling miserable before I knew that my skin was disintegrating. Now, I don't know what to do with myself.