Some side effect struggles

I have a hard time with so many things. Right now, I am awake at 3 am and I feel ok writing about some daily struggles. I just woke up to pee. Last night, I peed 5 times in less than 8 hours. I haven't slept all the way through the night in months. I don't even remember what that's like.

Dry mouth is a side effect of most of the medications that I am taking. Sipping water helps, but only for a few minutes. My amazing visiting nurse suggested Biotene products and a friend picked up the gel for me. It tastes like circus peanuts and feels like a mouthful of gel. It helps, but it also makes me gag.

I have been adjusting my medications as the pain medications were all doubled the last time I was in the hospital. The doctors doubled it because chemo increased the pain, but I don't seem to need it as high right now. I am on a long acting pain killer, OxyContin, and a quick-acting pain medication, Oxycodone. They make mewfuzzy. Typically, I read with one eye closed because it is so difficult to focus my eyes. I have gotten used to seeing double, as I write these blog entries. Thank goodness for auto-correct, or you would have difficulty following my thoughts. Even so, my fingers have a tendency to "fall" or "jump" against the letters as I unspool my thoughts into words and phrases. I have spent over an hour writing a blog entry or an email of a few paragraphs.

I have an equally difficult time with writing on paper. It starts out okay, but, after a few minutes it decays. I don't recognize my handwriting; it is either cramped and tiny or the letters are wide and loose. Either way, my notes to myself are rarely useful.

I have a similar trouble with memory, logic, and other cognitive functions. At certain times of day (approximately 2 hours after taking the long acting drugs 3 times a day), I have trouble retaining conversations. Sometimes, I won't even remember that I spoke to someone. Other times, I can't remember what was said. I think sometimes people think that I am messing with them. I have many moments of being "super literal" where I have trouble understanding figures of speech.

Thinking can be so hard that I ask my helpers to not ask me to make basic decisions and to treat me like a small child at mealtime, where food is presented to me without much input from me. It is almost as important to listen to me as it can be to ignore me. My boyfriend had asked several times whether he should get me a hand-held shower head. I refused repeatedly. He got it anyway, and it seems like it will make things a whole lot easier. Lucky for me, Ken is super logical, so he can make up for my lack of skills right now. Also, I seem to remember that I used to be more logical than most before all the drugs.

As you might have noticed I stopped counting needles once it got over 100. I give myself 2 needles in my belly every day. I hate it. My belly has so many tiny dots across it, marking the last month or so.

Well, at least the hallucinations seem to have stopped.